Do let your genuine concern and caring show.

Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already intolerably painful experience).

Do say you are sorry about their loss and about their pain.

Don’t say you know how they feel (unless you’ve suffered a similar loss you probably don’t know how they feel).

Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.

Don’t say “you ought to be feeling better by now” or anything else which implies a judgement about their feelings.

Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to impose any “shoulds” on themselves.

Don’t tell them what they should feel or do.

Do allow them to talk about the person who has died as much and as often as they want to.

Don’t change the subject when they mention the person who has died.

Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the person who has died.

Don’t avoid mentioning the name of the person who has died out of fear of reminding them of their pain. (They haven’t forgotten it.)

Do reassure them that they did everything that they could, that the medical care given was the best or whatever else you know to be true and positive about the care given.

Don’t make any comments which in any way suggest that the care given the deceased at home, in the emergency room, hospital, or wherever was inadequate. (Bereaved people are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their family and friends)